| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2009|05:29 pm] |
Only another breath I will breathe in this still air, only another loving look cast backward,
And then I shall stand among you, a seafarer among seafarers.
Khalil Gibran |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2009|08:13 pm] |
Is it time to make friends with the internet again? Y'know, now that I'm leaving the country and will be with not a single soul I know on this earth right now for an entire month.
Don't know! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|09:48 pm] |
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Also - if any of you are readers and have a goodreads account, you should let me know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|07:25 pm] |
This was the best Christmas I. Have. Ever. Had.
Between spending the night Christmas Eve with Nathan at his parent's house, cooking a homemade Mexican feast, staying up until one drinking wine and how much I friggin' love his family; sleeping with Chloe between my feet in Nathan's old bed; waking in the morning, playing with Cayenne, ND, Nikita & Dylan the kitten; making tamale breakfast tacos with the night's leftovers and my berry-stuffed french toast, and drinking coffee with Amy and his parents; to coming home and wrapping the rest of the presents, and taking the apple-cranberry-walnut pie I'd baked the day before to Geneva and Sherman's new house, where Amy, Geneva & I cooked together a homemade Christmas meal of roasted brussel sprouts (yeah, to die for), green bean casserole with home-fried shallots, baked mac & cheese made with gruyere and fontina, my sweet and spicy sweet potato hashbrowns, challah rolls, and a ham with brown-sugar-clovey glaze while listening to a Charlie Brown Christmas. Exchanged meaningful gifts, drank more wine and took pictures of Geneva with baby-belly.
Looking forward to the New Year, and all I have planned for it. I think my only resolution will be to keep a journal as I go - not a journal such as this, but one I actually carry, keep on hand. With all that I have coming in the next year, it will be valuable to me to have these words and reminders close.
Today, savoring the time I have off and the next few weeks before I begin another semester, I have had four or five cups of coffee, made migas for Nathan & I for breakfast. I finished reading Maus II, and began reading some short stories, and went out and bought two more books I've been wanting. Now, I'm knitting my mother a scarf to send with my late Christmas package, Nathan just came over from work with some PBR, and we're going to watch finally There Will Be Blood, and I'm making wheat pasta with pesto and sundried tomatoes, and a tossed salad with miso dressing.
These are happy times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|05:16 pm] |
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Is depression feeling like you don't have anything to say to anyone? Ever? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|06:22 pm] |
Feel as though, in odd moments, the air is slowing being pumped back into me, my life, my heart. Like with one of those old accordian-fluted air pump things, can't remember what it's really called, that probably has some other function that would be really embarrassing to discover in relation to my comparison. In either case, it would probably be fairly true, because I have a whole lot of stuff to flush out of my system. I listened to the Arcade Fire while I was cleaning, and I stopped in the middle of what I was doing partway through the song 'Wake Up' when it came on, never really having listened to it before. Something filled up / my heart with nothing / someone told me not to cry / but now that I'm older / my heart is colder / and I can see that it's a lie.
Something about acquiescing, about giving up, and acceptance. Missing from my life. And it has, really, all been a matter of which direction I turn my head. |
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| it's been a good while |
[Jun. 12th, 2008|09:15 pm] |
this is nathan. we had both liked each other a long time, and then, one night. in late november, not long after my 21st birthday. not long after i watched the way he watched me, walk into a room.
here is a picture of a particularly hot and humid night. after failing to get in to see the kills. we wound up slugging local beers at lovejoys instead, a place full of the pierced and tattooed, but extraordinarily friendly bartenders. my new camera took some photos, but later i found the data was corrupted and this was one of the few to survive. when nathan went out to smoke a cigarette, he came back with a rose he had bought off the street - pale yellow, with flaming pink tips. i took pictures of gabi holding the rose, at different angles and perspectives and focuses. i lost all of those, too.
what i've lost is not what is important though. there have been many things i have tried to gain, and many times in which i've known to myself, quietly, that my motives are not pure. i have made friends, lost them, made more new friends. i've had drunken nights, i've puked in discomfiting public places. i have cried quietly to sleep at times, not quite knowing why. i have resolved myself again and again, and lost my pluck. plunged back into school only to have it end in disaster. and i come up with reams and reams of plans, plans to counteract my failures, plans to make myself noticed, plans to set my life in motion.
some of them are working, some of them aren't. i think i have a clearer path ahead of me than i could have hoped for the clarity to see in some time. for the sake of my own disgusting habit of naming things, then watching them just as quickly disappear, i will not voice what i believe to be the phantoms of my future.
i think, for the most part, this sounds worse than it really is. i have learned to trust my failures because they are much more honest than my successes.
and, but still. i am here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|06:20 pm] |
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I crave Newcastle, books and long naps. the more people you know, the less you know about people. so I choose otherwise. |
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